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God, will I go to hell for killing myself in self-defense?
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Current Music:Lil' Wyte - My Smokin' Song
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Subject:I'm back again, motherfucker!!!
Time:06:42 am
Current Mood:highhigh
What the fuck is up bad-ass mother... I'm so goddamned bored and I had just sparked a jib and sat down at the computer and remembered I had this damn thing... So I said "Whut the fuck?" and decided to write something. Even though I ain't got shit to wrie about. Earlier I was a bounty hunter than had sex with a fuckable squirell and got bitched by the sexy squirell's boyfriend or some shit... I don't know. I really ain't got shit to write about. so I'll try again later...
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Current Music:The Joe Bruce/Zug Izland previously unreleased project.
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Subject:A crazy daybor....
Time:08:00 am
Current Mood:mellowmellow
What in the fuck is happelatin' y'all? I know I haven't updated in like nine years but fuck you, I'm tryin' aight? Well, I had a phat-shit-bomb of a weekend. It was soooooo(to the ninth power) fuckin' bitchin'. First off, I'll start with Thursday, I'm at school doin' the learning thing when the bell rings to go home... so I step... I get about half-way to the bus and I see my friend Kricket (Misspelled? I dunno, ask her.) So I'm thinkin', "What the balls?!? She don't go here. Weird." Then I see her boyfriend Grendel next to her and then Misty and Day. Apparently, they were there to pick me up from school. Well Grendel, being the dumbass he is was smokin' a square and walked right in front of the resource officer which led to the dreaded bitching. While I just laughed a lot. Then we went to.... okay, I really don't remember... but I want to say we went to K-mart and seen Jeff... then we.... ummm... errr.


(skip ahead to Friday)


I didn't go to school... just didn't wake up. I mean, I woke up.... but I didn't really wake up, you know what I mean? See thing is I was supposed to stay at Jeff's friday because his mom had already said I could beside they were out of town anyway... but, when I tried to get ahold of Mr. Markel that fucker never answered his phone, at his house or his cell. So for lack of choice I stayed at Misty's house. Well, Grendel bought a sack of the lovely and we went straight to puttin' a hurtin' on that bag.... but after three bowls our feeble brains could not take the overload of THC that had just bitch slapped our senses straight out of our heads. So after chillin' on Misty's roof with day for a grip, we decided to go inside and find food. What followed was the best bowl of cereal I have ever had in my life. I have firmly concluded that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is unfuckwitable. Fuck the rabbit and the little bee and the fuckin' leprechaun, that little chef motherfucker would break 'em like glowstick fuck their assholes raw. So onward... the next day I was chillin' in the back yard smokin' on a bowl and Day walks out and was like, "Hey guess what I broke up with Lou (her currently ex-boyfriend.)" Well, what had happened was Day really was all about some me... and she was tired of this Lou character anyways so to solve the problem she got rid of him and whatnot.... but that is purely speculation.

Well, that concludes part one of my update... part two will be a little later on today or tommorow or maybe a fuckin' week from now I don't know just fuckin' deal with it, bitch!
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Subject:I am hated...
Time:06:05 pm
Current Mood:boredbored
I've come to a conclusion.... what conclusion you ask... Well, I'll tell you. I'm tired of every little girl in the world... I'd call them women but that would be to nice. They are GIRLS. They lie, decieve , and cheat. They'll "love" you to your face just waiting 'til you turn around so they put the knife in nice and snug. Fuckers. Here's something I wrote in a pit of boredum...

"The language of anguish/ that left you strangled and dangled/ from the chains and the bangles cuff round your neck and your ankles/ While I mangled and tangled you/ into a human triangle/ And you can't witness the visions/ because of my last decision/ to take away your damn vision/ with incisions from fishing tackle/ then I made you swallow the tackle, got caught in your adams apple/ Then I yanked on the string/ that had me seeing a vicious thing/ like your insides hanging and dangling just like a string/ and draining just like a sink/ Your intestines inside are pink/ And blood is best when spilled regardless of what you think/ But now the whole game is lost/ I'm nailing you to a cross/ And then your guts to the floor/ stapled your stomach to the door/ I only need four more bodies for fuckin' bodies galore/ Now I'm trippin' and slippin' on blood I spilled in the kitchen/ That smothered the fuckin' tile/ But all I can do is just smile/ While I dreamt all the while/ of bodies stacked up in piles/"
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Current Music:Even in the darkness, these walls kep watching me.
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Subject:I can see the walls sweatin' and bleedin', I know their alive, I can hear the muthafuckers breathin'
Time:12:03 pm
Current Mood:indescribableindescribable
Well, it's Thursday... meaning me and Molli have been broken up for about 2 whole days... and I don't feel any better. I guess today my mood is improved but I'm still not happy. I'll feel better as time goes on I'm sure, I just was really shootin' for this one to work. Oh well, shit happens and people change, even if one their thoughts, they change. I guess that has been a hard learned lesson for me. After four girlfriends that just seem to change I'm noticing a pattern. I'm the only one left after the end. So many, it's just me. I'm not sure what I've done to push these women away... so maybe they'll tell me one day. Well, yesterday was okay I guess. Me, Jimmi, and Sam got off the bus at my house and chilled for a grip. Then we decided to walk to Charlie's to see what he was up to. Which was being grounded. So we walked to Pic-n-Sav for lack of something better to do. We sat for a little and then decided to go to Jimmi's, but then it started to rain. Which was shitty. Very shitty. So we sat some more and were maybe expecting it to let up... which wasn't happenin'. Eventually Jimmi seen his sister's friend's mom... whose cool as hell. I don't know her name, but that doesn't really matter. So she gave up a ride to Jimmi's where I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up at about 9:00pm completely fuckin' flabbergasted. Why you ask? Because Jimmi and Sam straight up dissapeared. Gone.... poof. Apparently they took off with Jeff and this dude named Ryan, who is very fortunate I wish asleep because I have a straight-up thirst for that fuckers blood. I am going to beat the living hell out of him when I come across him. I'm not going to say why because my reasons are my reasons and they're private. So don't even fuckin' bother asking. I'll kill you if you try. Maybe. So anyways, I started walking home and got about 75% of the way there when Joeys mom pulled up and offered me a ride home. Which I gratefully accepted. It was odd she was being nice and Joey's baby bro Jacob was being all cute and nice, as opposed tp the recent trend of brat he's fallin into, which causes Joey's mom to be a helly bitch. So I got home and listened to some Necro and chilled. Then at about 10:30-11:00 o' clock. Sam came tapping on my window and scared the shit out of me. He came in and we chilled listening to Mike's new CD and KMK. He ended up crashin' over there and we woke up and caught the bus at the end of my street. So now here I sit, bored as fuck in the middle of 3rd waiting for something interesting to happen... no hope it sight. Oh well, I guess I'll go sleep or something.

Deep thought for today-
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to that old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then, we had some growing up to do.

"One wall surrounds me, no roof, no floor
I started falling as soon as I stepped through the door
Plain walls, don’t let me see a crack in the paint
Or I’m focusing in, and focused I ain’t
Clang bang, I bloody the walls
I leave stains
So the next man falling at least can see things
I think of my life, reliving every memory
Starring into the walls of my epitome, falling"
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Current Music:Twiztid - Afraid of Me (a fuckin' classic)
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Subject:Everybody treats my like I'm the anti-christ...
Time:04:22 pm
Current Mood:creativecreative
Guess what, me and Molli broke up... we made it to a solid total of 12 days..... yay... Wooo..... fuckin' hooo. I think it's gay myself (notice the sarcasm in my voic... words. Apparently, she isn't quite over Jeff and I'm just do much to deal with at this point because she doesn't quite know what she's going to do...or something like that... Just read the journals and figure it out for yourselves... I'm not giving you all the answers you greedy bastards. Also, I came to most hilarious discovery today. The beef with Jeff started a while ago... you all know that. Well, from what I gathered it all was over me insulting his intellegence because I cracked a joke about him not knowing what the word "verbatim" meant.... here's the full story on how... with a twist.

It all started 16 years, 8 months, 1 week, 12 hours, 23 minutes, and 34 seconds ago... 35 seconds ago... 36 seconds ago. Ahh, fuckin' shit I got caught up in counting... any-fuckin'-ways. See, I was born back when I was a baby and then when I was two I crapped in my pants. By the age of 9 I was walking and talking. And by the age of 14 I could wipe my on ass. I grew up and stuff... skip ahead to the age of 16 and I was talking to Molli and when had figured out we both had feelings for one another, supposedly (but I have my doubts), or something like that. Well, Jeff, being my boy and all, had a right to know and a right to opinion. Sine Molli and him did date for well over I year and I wasn't going to have him find out from someone else and be pissed-off.

So was all like, "Yo foo' you be givings any kinda shit ifs I hooked-up wit yo' ex-girl Molli?"

And he was all, "Hellz nah nigga, I ain't giving no kinda of a fucks."

So I was like, "Fo' treal, that's scraight a hell dawg, youse a cool muthafucka. Much luv playa!"

So a little later a get a call at Johns from Jeff and he was all, "Yo' muthafucka you need to hold ya little bitch-ass up a grip for I cap you sucka. I wanna ax yo' lil' bitch-ass a question. Ya heard?"

And then I was all, "Wait a minute nigga what's you speakin 'bout. What kinda question you gots to be axing my ass?"

And he was all, "What in da shit be happenins' to you all playa-hatin' on ol' home-gurl, youse gonna be tell me youse all about her now when youse all up ons some hostility shit the utha day, you was all talkin' bout, all talkin 'OOOOhhhh, I hate that ho, the trick is always irritatin' me' and now this shit. Wus up wid that folk?Huh, fool?"

And I was all, "Yo nigga, you needs ta check yoself, actin' like a nigga said that shit all verbatim or some shit... like you tryin' ta quote a motherfucker... hellz nah. You bes' reconize!"

Well he was all, "Whatever youse just a bitch-ass nigga!" then he hung up and I was all, "Man, he musta gots his lil' ol' mind confussed at verbatim or some shit. Damn."


Well, apparently that made it all the way back to Jeff and he got all helly pissed-off and that's what started the static the escalated(sp?) to the point of us making death threats to each other, talkin' about he's going to run up on me in the dark and put a bullet in my brain and then take the hammer to me. Well, at that point I wasn't onna bitch out so I told him I was going to creep in his room while he was asleep and cloroform his ass. Then, I told him I was going to take him out to bum-fucked Egypt and let him get raped by a satanic, redneck orgy. So, he got even more pissed and took it to the extent of spray-painting, "RICHARD MILLER IS A LIL' FUCKIN' PUSSY" on an I-10 overpass on the way to downtown Pensacola. At that point I went over to his house in the middle of night, at about 3am, after walkin' since 11:30 slashed his tires. Then I had to walk back so I got home at about 6. Pretty shitty, huh? Then he retaliated by ninja-ing his way in side my fortress of a backyard. He then decapitated my dog with pair of plyers, a fish hook, and a shoe string... crazy huh, I don't know how either. Must be like some sort of MacGyver shit right there. Been watchin' to much Columbo. Well, I woke up and found my dogs head in my bed so I called him and asked what was up. Then we had a very emotional, tear filled conversation about taking each others feeling into consideration. So after all the dust had settled and we had talked and figured out what had happened and what drug the problem out so far to cause the shit to be stirred. Now that we've dicussed the bullshit we've kissed and made-up. The future only know what's in store for us two valiant young souls that have wolrd as our oyster? Only time will tell for us I thought as we galloped off into the sunset. The End.

Check in same Jew time, same Jew journal.
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Current Music:Dark Lotus (Black Rain) - Jump Off
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Subject:Oh... what a tangled web we weave.
Time:12:36 pm
Current Mood:pissed offpissed off
What up y'all, I'm back again with one of my stale-ass journal updates. Like anyone even reads this shit... oh fuckin' well, I'm gonna type it up for the fuck of it anyways. If you don't like it, fuck you, it don't like you either. Well, let me see my weekend was alright I guess, by alright I really mean it sucked nine different kinds of ass... Anyhow, Friday I chilled with Sam for a grip and we watched The Rundown (fresh movie... I rate it with 4 out a possible of 5 sugar cookies.)
Well Saturday, I didn't do shit... at all... not a fucking thing... hella gay. I couldn't even talk to Molli because she has a bad habit of letting me go and saying she'll call me back and then failing to... or either telling me to call her back in a certain allotted amount of time... and when I do she doesn't answer the phone... and every time she has some kind of an excuse. I sure that she has her reason which are probally somewhere along the lines of she doesn't want to talk to me because of what was said in her recent journal entry...

"I haven't really talked to Richard lately. I feel bad because he's all into the relationship and I'm like...meh. I don't think he deserves to be treated so badly. I guess I just don't want to be with anyone right now. He's so sweet. I think he's too sweet for me. Sigh...I don't know. I don't want to hurt him, that's all. I just think my heart's still with someone else. As much as I hate that. And if I can't have him, I don't want anyone."

Now can the general audience out there answer a question for me... what kind of person make an anoucement like that over the internet before discussing with your boyfriend. Which apparently the whole concept of me being her boyfriend is meaningless to her. If you think I'm pissed.... you're right. I remember a girlfriend I had a while ago that supposedly cheated on me but told someone (Molli) that she just didn't want to go out with me anymore. Well, Molli told her that she could have gone about it differently and just told me that. Practice what you preach. I'm not mad at Molli... it's just... okay, I lied I am mad at her but I hope y'all understand why. If not... suck my dick. So, I guess I'm going to call her this afternoon and let her say her peice and end it if she really is hating it that bad. You know, I thought this one would be different, I was even explaining to her sister that I wanted this to last... I wanted to have someone I cared for that actually shared those feelings. Shelby told me that Molli really liked me... She must have been mistaken. Oh well, I guess I'm just doomed to fall into one bad relationship into a hopeless one... and if anyone gives me that 'oh don't worry you'll find someone' bullshit... I'll slap you, I don't even play. I've heard that way too many times to believe that shit anymore. I'm destined to be trapped in my circle... my never-ending circular search for happiness. It's like I'm forever in a game of with my depression... Oh shit that's a new song right there.... but I'll write it and share it with you later. Until next time same Jew time, same Jew journal.

"I'm all in the dark now, so dense and dead but I can't do shit.
and I'm fallin' apart now, been rottin' away in the grave since '96."

"Are they closing in on me?
Walls confide in me
Inside of me,
There's an emptiness that won't go away.
I never said I was right inside of my mind."

Deep Thoughts for today-
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.
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Current Music:Dark Lotus - Black Rain - 11. Hell House
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Subject:Did you hear the Hell House for sale.
Time:01:53 pm
Current Mood:boredbored
"Round and Round,
I'll chase you down,
and I'll consume your soul."

What up pimpin'? I'm in a pretty scraight mood as of right now, but there is this dude named Cole at my school that keep eyeballing me so I'm about to show him what his insides look like. Let's see how have I been? Well, yesterday I went school and was all bored and shit except for the fact I got to listen to the new Lotus all day. Yeah, it leaked so now everybody and there momma had heard and it's not supposed to come out for another four days. I'm still gonna by it though, I support my artists GODDAMNIT. So fuck Lars Ulrich and his anti-piracy ass... at least now I know what I'm paying for instead of getting the shit end of the deal by shelling out 15 bucks and get shit in return. Anyways, yesterday afternoon I went to Molli's house and spent some quality time with. We watched Gothika and she ended up falling asleep until Shelby had to go and wake her up... that bastard...j/k. Yeah my babe was all like not feeling well and shit so I was about to walk home so she could get some rest and nap and whatnot until she bossed up on me and wouldn't let me walk home. I asked her why and she said it was "too far." In reality it was only like 5 miles or so... it was worth it if it would help her feel better. Anyways, she got Shelby to take me home so whatever it's cool. As of yesterday we have been dating for a full week, so in celebration I got her a little stuffed panda and a little stuffed lion. She didn't like it though... she don't like material thing but that's not the point... the point it I plan on provided all the things money can't by along with some things it can. My buying her stuff is just something I want to do for her... but I don't think she sees that way. So now I'm sitting hear listening to Black Rain, talking to y'all, and wondering what the fuck to do next instead of work... so I guess I'll just think of more shit to talk about...
...
...
...
...
I just thought of something kinda shitty... I haven't had any form of sex in months... oh well, shit happens and I'll get over it, oh look already did. Yeah, I'm bored as if you can't tell.


"Do you really believe there are secret mind-writing messages in the music of the youth?"

"Come with me, right into the edge of your mind, we're standing on the edge and ready to die. This shit is bout to jump off, and I'm about to jump off in, and when it's over I'mma jump again."
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Subject:Why must shit be so complicated when what I want is plain as day.
Time:09:55 am
You know, I can't quite recall who but, someone once told me that in my darkest hour I would find my greatest treasure... Well in the destructive wake of my most difficult, treason-filled relationship I have accidentaly stumbled across a prize greater than any. I have found Molli. In retrospect I realize that she has been glinting in the shadows for quite some time... I was just to afraid to look in the dark to find what I was looking for... However, after I had made to a level of happiness none like I had experienced since my first memorable Christmas... it seems someone has to steal the stars from the sky and try to deny me of that happiness. Or rather everyone has to. I want everything to work regardless but aparently the other half doesn't... all I can say Molli is, if your going to do what I think it is you want to do... just make the pain quick... that way only one of us has to suffer. Because I still don't want anything to hurt you.
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Subject:It's the mack again back to kill you all...
Time:09:27 am
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
Foreword: This is the update from yesterday... I still have my mental doubts.


What up y'all, it's about 8:45 on a boring-ass Monday morning... so I'm sitting here at school updating this shit and I REALLY don't feel well at all. I'm not sick, I just mentally don't feel well... typically thinking of how good Molli makes me feel would help... but in this case that seems to be more of the problem... I know she'll read this but I'm a better writer than speaker... Me and her went great the first, like, two days... but since then she just seems a lot more distant, as if she is doing it intentionally... Maybe I'm just delusional (I hope so.) What I think the problem may be is that I may remind her of Jeff, and I don't think thats the kind of person she wants to be with... I think she wants to be with someone more like herself who is more into the music she likes and the scenes she hangs out at. I keep finding myself wondering why she even decided she wanted to go out with me... I wonder. She makes me feel great whenever I'm around her but when I'm not is when I notice this. Such as last night I was talking to her on the pone for a few minute but then she had to let me go because Kara was upset and she said she's call me back... which is understandable. She called me back finally and then someone called through for her mom about five-ten minute later... which is also understandable... she said she's call me back but never did... I eventually called her back and she said she was bleaching her bangs which is why she failed to call back... so I was okay that's cool I guess... no big deal really... well I was trying to talk to her but she just seemed distant as if she had something better to do than waste her time talking to me... After a little while I had to let her go because I had to run to the store for my mom because we need some assorted shit around the house. Well, I got back and sent a message to her cell phone just to be nice... then I called back and her sister Shelby answered and told me she was rinsing the hair bleach out and she would tell her to call me back... which never happened... maybe Shelby failed to relay the message... maybe all of the isn't really as crappy as it seems... maybe it's all a figment of my imagination and I'm construing all of it... maybe. I just know that no matter the case I really want to see her shining face right now... that would lift my spirits more than anything. I plan on going to her house this afternoon to spend some good old fasion quality time together...

*Thought of the moment: If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."


I miss my Molli. :( I want to see her.

Update: I went and seen Molli yesterday and I was right she actually made me feel a lot better than I did... that's why I'm with her.
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Current Music:Saved - Zug Izland (that new shiz from "3:33")
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Subject:Oh what a wonderful life...
Time:02:08 pm
Current Mood:excitedexcited
Rememberize when I said I was going to go to Molli's house... Well, I did and honestly I thought we were just going to hang out and fuck off and do all the shit we did when we were good friends... But amazingly I grew an ounce of balls and asked her out... But she told me to go fuck myself... And that kind of sucks only... a lot. Naw, I'm just bullshittin' she was all like "yes" and stuff so I fainted right there on the spot, fell over, and busted my face right there on the table in Matt's living room... not really, I lied again... So I guess everything is scraight and I'm supposed to go chill over there laterness...and I have the confident feeling today will be the shiz.
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God, will I go to hell for killing myself in self-defense?
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